What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
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