the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
