I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
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