But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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