drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
