And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
