I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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