the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
