hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
