I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
