I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
