So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
