just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
