thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
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