I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Randomize
