I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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