i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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