T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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