I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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