walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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