you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
