My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
