I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
