Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
