i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
