i just sent this text using only my big toe
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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