i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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