Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
