i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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