He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Randomize
