OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
