I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
