my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
