I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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