Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
