I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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