Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
