The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
