I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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