i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
