My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Randomize
