girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
