when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
