Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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