I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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