Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Randomize
