Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize