yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
