I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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