My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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