We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
