the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I need to stop coming to work sober
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize