Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
