So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
