I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Come share oat with me in your robe
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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