I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
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