I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
i drank out of a bidet.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
