i think my tv is drunk
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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