Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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